I worked myself up into such a state this week that I made myself sick. I haven’t felt properly well since my ectopic pregnancy ruptured three months ago, and last week I went against my intuition and took clomid before I felt ready. I had a serious case of clomid rage, followed by clomid regret. I came down with yet another nasty cold, and took most of this week off.
This time spent resting (and calming my farm!) has given me a chance to reflect on the thoughts that are constantly running around in my mind. I am so sick of these thoughts, and I have repeated them to myself so often in the last 18 months that I have taken them on as what I believe to be true. I wonder how much of my physical exhaustion is caused by this constant barrage of negativity?
I was a positive, glass half full kind of girl before we lost our first baby. I’m a very spiritual person, and I actively kept my outlook positive. This has changed in the last couple of years- I have become anxious and surrounded by fear and dread, always leaping to the worst conclusion first. I desperately want (and need) to turn this around.
I hope that becoming conscious of these limiting beliefs can be the first step in changing them. Saying the things we’re afraid of out loud can make them less scary.
I think it’s natural for humans to try to make sense of everything, and give everything that happens in our lives a reason. Below are the lies that I have told myself about our situation. Apologies for the insight into the dark corners of my mind.
- I am not good enough – that old chestnut.
- I am not worthy- all of my friends fell pregnant so easily because they deserved it and I didn’t.
- I am being punished for not being good enough, for being too much of a control freak, for thinking I had it all figured out, for not being maternal enough.
- I will not be a “natural” at being a mum the way my friends are.
- I am not good with children (I don’t know where this came from- I was a children’s gymnastics coach for 13 years and absolutely loved it).
- I didn’t want it enough- I have always known that I would have kids, but in my 20s I feared that motherhood would be boring, I would lose my identity and become “just another mum”. A big part of my career over the last 12 years has been caring for mums. They tell me things they don’t tell anyone else, and I certainly haven’t been under any illusions that motherhood would be easy! Even though I want children more than anything else in the world now, some of these fears still remain, so I’ve brought this upon myself.
- I will be an anxious mother, and I will make my children anxious.
- There is something wrong with me.
- I’m not meant to have kids.
- This is the big one that I am afraid to write- that we will finally have a successful pregnancy, but there will be something wrong, or our baby won’t be healthy. I am forcing things too hard.
- I am not strong enough to carry a baby to term or or look after a baby, and my body is trying to give me this message.
No wonder I have been driving myself mad. These thoughts are coming from a place of fear, but only love is real. These are the affirmations that I am giving myself (and you too, if you would like them) to replace them, day by day:
- I love and accept myself, exactly as I am right now.
- I am worthy.
- I am loved and supported.
- James and I deserve good things- it’s our turn now.
- What happened was out of my control, and I am doing all of the right things now (taking care of my health, seeing a specialist I trust).
- I will be a wonderful mum- how hard I am fighting for our future family, and the things that I am willing to do to get there show that.
- I have so much love to give- it is in my nature to look after others.
- Our kids will be little legends- James and I are, so how can they not be? 😉
- I deserve to have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
- My body is strong, and perfectly capable of carrying our healthy baby to full term.
- Going through all of this has made me stronger, and will help me to be even more of a more grateful and patient mother.
- James and I are healthy, and our babies will be healthy.
- The universe has my back.
- Soon, when things are wonderful, I will look back on this time and be proud of myself for handling it as best I could.
That feels better 🙂
Sending you lots of love,